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A thought I had today … I don’t ever want to see another Mugler catsuit in my LIFE …! Anyway: if you’re watching The Ultimatum, there’s an ongoing chat thread about it in the Substack app :)
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It only took three weeks (ish) of dating for Taylor Swift’s divine/frightening/divinely frightening publicist Tree Paine to have had enough. The Swift-Healy split was announced Monday afternoon; by Monday evening Paine was spinning it as a situationship. “She had fun with him, but it was always casual,” a source told People. “They are no longer romantically involved.”’
But Healy’s team — which I can only assume are assorted roaches left in an ashtray, a few water rings on an antique wooden dresser, and the collected dirt under his nails — went to TMZ, as people in the wrong are wont to do. The breakup wasn’t because Healy became radioactive, but because they didn’t have enough time for one another. “Everyone knows Taylor's Eras tour is packing stadiums across the U.S., and will for a few more months — and Matty's friend points out The 1975 is in the middle of its European tour now,” TMZ says. “We're told they still care for each other, even though things didn't work out romantically.”
At a 1975 show in Dublin this week, Healy wrote “sorry” on a bedsheet (?), and then added a question mark. Very loser, very high school boy contrarian:
As a child I was obsessed with criminal handwriting analysis because I saw it on one episode of Monk. Those r-letters … baby … he’s not beating the unshowering allegations, like I don’t know how to describe it. Just nasty!
At that show, Healy made time to respond to Noel Gallagher, who told Spin Healy is a “fucking slack-jawed fuckwit,” and in an unpopular band. “Noel Gallagher called me a ‘slack-jawed fuckwit,’” Healy told the audience. “I love Noel Gallagher.”
This man has enough enemies for them to unionize: Healy has yet to craft a response to Azealia Banks, however, after the rapper called him “thin-jawed” and said he would give Taylor Swift scabies.
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Me Googling Austin Reaves
Speaking of Taylor Swift: who is Austin Reaves? A basketball Twitter account — so this is not just regular wrong but completely made up-wrong — claims that Swift was spotted with the Lakers player “in an Arkansas Bar.” I have to respect the capitalization there, as if Arkansas Bar is a proper noun. While the thought that Taylor Swift found a white boy in the NBA — girl, the NBA — sent me into the stratosphere, this seems like a complete lie. “Austin going to the bar is the most unrealistic part of this whole thing,” Reaves brother, Spencer Reaves, tweeted in response to the rumor.
https://twitter.com/refrigeratorlal/status/1665857670195150850?s=46&t=k-ONcW1GHkTweJcquprFMQ
https://twitter.com/spencerreaves31/status/1666092058409582594?s=46&t=k-ONcW1GHkTweJcquprFMQ
But Austin Reaves was spotted, sort of, at the Freaknik-themed birthday pary for Zendaya’s assistant Darnell Appling. Her Dune co-star, the actor and barb Timothée Chalamet, wore a Reaves jersey as he danced.
Unfortunately my sports quota this week has been at capacity with all the golf drama, so I have not watched any NBA Finals games.
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Girl Get Up Alert: Kelis
Despite the effort Tom Cruise put into flirting with Shakira, Hollywood’s newest odd couple is … Kelis and Bill Murray. The rumor comes from The Sun, which says the two met in the United States but Murray has been spotted backstage at Kelis’s shows in London. (He is there shooting the untitled Ghostbusters: Afterlife sequel.) There is one known photo of them together:
Kelis was widowed after her husband Mike Mora died in 2022 from stage 4 stomach cancer. Murray’s wife Jennifer Butler died in 2021.
Kelis has made regular appearances on the playlists I make for the paid list — “Kaleidoscope” is great. I have never cared for Bill Murray because he was so nasty in Osmosis Jones. But if you need more reasons, Vanity Fair has a good list of receipts of Murray being a scoundrel.
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There have been so many amazing pieces of culture writing in the last week-ish that I must recommend you make time for:
“Drew Barrymore Is Figuring It Out Live” (E. Alex Jung/Vulture)
“In Conversation: Curtis ‘50 Cent’ Jackson” (Carvell Wallace/Vulture)
“America loved Tina Turner. But it wasn’t good to her.” (Soraya Nadia McDonald/Andscape)
“Did This Writer Actually Know Tennessee Williams?” (Helen Shaw/The New Yorker)
“With Hannah Gadsby’s ‘It’s Pablo-matic,’ the Joke’s on the Brooklyn Museum” (Jason Farago/New York Times)
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Leonardo DiCaprio’s Worst Performance Yet: Acting Like He’s Gigi Hadid’s Boyfriend
For nine months someone has claimed these two are dating-slash-on enough to be convincingly “on and off.” It seems like finally Leonardo DiCaprio has remembered that he’s making inroads with the over-25 community: he and Hadid dined at China Tang restaurant in London but they neither arrived nor left together and it’s unclear if they actually shared a table? I mean lol.
Thank God someone was quick to tell People that “seeing Leo was never serious for her and it will never be serious.” It is summer, the universal hoe season for Leos, so of course he is playing in her face!
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Auntie O’Clock: Nothing has brought me more joy than Uncle Charlie Wilson’s Tiny Desk Concert.
That’s all this week! Thank you for reading, and have a good weekend! I’m in a chaotic mood so I’ll do another chat for episode two of The Idol on Sunday night — as I said when it premiered, it is stupid I Hate Suzie but I love a mess!
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